Things I DO Want My Kids to Know…

There are many things that made my marriage to your dad a good one. I hope these are the things you cherish in your hearts & strive to acclimate into your own future self & relationships.

He spent several years really trying. After 2003 he came home & stayed for 7 years. These were good times for the most part. He made me laugh, he was involved in what you all did, he tried to be a good dad & husband. He was there for me during some really hard times. He didn’t always leave, he didn’t always prioritize darts, fishing, hunting, & his girlfriends over us.

You don’t go around bailing on the ones you love. Or that you claim to love. In fact, if you don’t love someone, bounce. Go. Be honest. Don’t drag yourselves thru anymore than you have to. Always always always be true to yourselves. I can’t stress this enough.

I realize you think I’m shit right now. You’ve been told I bailed. I did, in truth. I ran away from a man who abused me. Emotionally, physically, financially, & sexually. When we were a family, we had our own home. We struggled especially after I got hurt & the PTSD took over my life. Why is that? Your dad works. Right? Where’s his money go?  Why does he have to lie to get benefits for you to eat when he makes decent money? These are questions you should be asking yourselves. Why does he dangle you over my head like I don’t deserve to have my babies?

Guys, I carried you both for 9+ months. I gave birth to you. N, I gave birth to you without your dad because he was living with some chick on a reservation in Idaho. Most real men won’t miss the birth of their child. I love you both more than anything, more than the blood in my body, more than air, more than chocolate, more than Frank, more than Germany, more than shoes….anything. You guys are my it. I’ve been told to stay away. I’ve been told you don’t want to talk to me & based off my last conversation with you, I get that. It hurts. My heart ripped open that night. I would’ve done anything to be able to co-parent with your dad. He won’t let me. None of this makes a lot of sense to you right now but I want you to know where I’m coming from. I don’t hate your dad. I don’t hate his girlfriend. I hate what they did to me. I hate what HE did to YOU. You guys are pretty innocent. I just need you to wake up.

I was home room mom.

I was cheer mom.

I was baseball & football team mom.

I sat through countless cheer, gymnastics, baseball, football, & choir practices & performances. Would you have had ANY of those experiences with just your dad? Let me help you, no.

I’ve  always been there for you.  I always will be here. Waiting. You’re my flesh & blood. My babies. No bond on the planet is stronger. Know that.

 

Timeline of a Train Wreck

In response to my divorce papers I have to respond to allegations that are absolute bullshit. To do so, I needed a timeline to make sure I didn’t forget anything. I  writing this, I don’t recognize the woman I was when I was so weak that I just accepted his abuse as status quo. Sad…

January 31, 1998- I married Dan. We had known each other 18 days. We were younh & impulsive.

March 6, 1998- I found out he had been cheating on me repeatedly since before Day 1. That night I went with my gf who was in Nashville for her birthday weekend. I was physically assaulted (see previous posts for that story). Because of this I didn’t feel strong enough to leave.

June 1998 I found out I was pregnant with our son.

December 1999- Dan was discharged from the ARMY “under honorable conditions” (he stole a grenade simulator & was found to have a lot of weed in our home…. I called the cops on him) We moved to Post Falls Idaho.

June 1999- I filed a protective order. He managed to sweet talk his way into me discontinuing it.

March 2000- I took my son & fled to Oklahoma. He followed a month & a half later.

December 2000- We moved back to Idaho. Within 2 months I was pregnant with my daughter.

March 2001- found out Dan had had sex with our roommate. I left once again.

August 2001- October 2001 My son & I lived in our car. Dan offered no child support & did nothing to help. He couldn’t even be bothered to be present for the birth of our daughter. He showed up 3 weeks after she was born, once I had a place of my own. During this separation Dan lived with a woman & had a long affair with her.

June 2002- May 2003 Dan had an affair with my own SISTER. Dan once again left & went to Idaho. He left me with  2 young children. I worked full time, 12 hour shifts at night & went to school during the day.

May 2003 He returned home shortly before I had a hysterectomy. I had uterine cancer cells present. He got a job painting & for a few years he actually contributed to the running of our household.

September 2010- I had major back surgery. The day I got home from the hospital, Dan left. During his 2 month estrangement he had affairs with at least 2 women. Upon returning we started seeing a therapist. He was diagnosed with having Narcissistic Personality Disorder & I was diagnosed with CPTSD.

May 2011- Dan left again. More affairs were had. He had no contact with our kids during ANY of our separations. He came back again in August.

January 2012- April 2012 Dan went to Idaho to visit his mom. He stayed gone 4 months.

2013 I started noticing medications disappearing. He denied it. I’d lose entire months worth of pain medication that id need to function. Because I was in pain, I couldn’t work. Dan had lost his job so my workers comp was the only income we had.

November 2014- I filed another protective order. He continued to be abusive & steal my narcotic pain medications.

This was when my grandmother passed away & I had my nervous breakdown. Dan refused to work. We had zero income, & my psychotic family started to threaten to foreclose on our home. In my discombobulation I panicked & moved to Germany. This was the biggest mistake of my life. I didn’t know what to do. I was married to a man who stole from me, lied to me relentlessly nonstop, had multiple affairs, didn’t care if we had utilities or not & was content to let my kids live with my cousin & aunt. In May 2015 he left for Idaho. I came back June 9, and he had corroborated with my father to have my daughter flown to Idaho June 8. Shady shit.

Now he’s filed for divorce, which is AWESOME. Only problem is, he lied out his ass to make himself seem like the poor little single dad. I have “anger issues”. Fuck yes I’m angry. I put up with hell for 18 years. As recently as March he was wanting me to come move up there with him & the kids. I didn’t want to but I’d have sold my soul to the proverbial devil to be with them again. When I found out he was still seeing his whore-friend, I got angry. Then found out he’d lied to the kids. Told them all kinds of heinous lies to keep them snowed on his side. He’s a pathetic little man. My only hope is that my kids are smart enough to one day realize what a piece of shit their dad is, that they’ll see thru all his lies & they’ll be able to put this whole mess behind us. I want them to be happy, that’s all. Being so far from them, having no control over the drivel they’re having to listen to is hard. They’re smart though, & as much as I was involved in their life when they were growing up, things are bound to click.

So now I’m responding to his claims made in the divorce papers. I just want this over so I can move on with my life. It took me 18 years to break away from his abuse & manipulation. Life is so much more vibrant & worth living now that I don’t have someone lying to me & supressing my happiness. I know what love looks like now, & what I had with that guy was most definitely NOT love. Just time to move on…

On Trust

Its been a weird few months. Crazy crazy weird. E & I moved & went an unprecedented 4 months without Internet. During that time (but absolutely NOT related) we hit the rocks. Hard. I don’t quite know what happened, the specifics aren’t really important anyway. We broke up though. We still lived together but we were definitely not together. I separated myself from everyone mutually in our lives, including a lot of his family & friends. That was dumb, because I valued their friendships & I now look like an ungrateful bitch. Mid March though, we pulled it together. Things are good now, and I’m so thankful that the nightmare is over.

I don’t trust easily. It’s very very hard. Knowing E as long as I did before we started dating made it easier for me to trust, but he is on a different page in a different book when it comes to how he does relationships & trust. Quirks I embrace ha ha. When I returned from Europe last June, I fell hard & fast for this man. Swept me off my feet & never once doubted what we had (until December, when the train left the track) . Those short months of uncertainty trashed me. I was depressed, anxious, totally lost. Now I’m scared. What happens if things fall apart again? Part of me is confident in what we have, I know he loves me, but part of me is gun shy. Losing him isn’t just losing a boyfriend, it’s losing my longtime best guy friend. I’ve walked myself up in this impenetrable fortress and don’t have many people let that I trust.

Why can’t I trust? How do people maneuver through life blindly trusting people only to get hurt over and over again, then turn around & trust again? I can’t do it… I don’t know what to do.

The Mirror & It’s Lies

I don’t recognize mself in the mirror anymore. I’ve changed so much in the last 15 months, 6 years, 18 years… I’ve been thru the most insane, rough, hellish, disgusting, mind-blowingly painful times that I can imagine. The assault, getting injured at work resulting in 5 (so far) surgeries, losing my grandmothers, losing my home, losing my children & spouse, losing my sense of self, losing my happiness altogether.

You know how when you’re hurt or sick, you often wonder what “normal” feels like? And then when “normal” happens again, you struggle to remember how sick felt. Yesterday I had moments of happy. I laughed, a real live laugh. It sounded foreign. When I tried to duplicate the sound, I only heard the forced fake laugh that I’ve been showing off for months now.

I need to find the old me. I used to be a fighter. I used to find happiness in every day. I used to not be ashamed to leave the house. I used to be carefree & kind. Where do I go to rediscover THAT?

Glad That’s Over!!

Yesterday I spent my entire Christmas on the couch, alone, binge watching Sons of Anarchy. I cried a lot. I hurt deeply. I just couldn’t fathom that I’d make it through the day alive, I was so sure my heart was going to jump from my body & flee to less abusive pastures. I’ve been hell on myself this last few years. It ALL caught up with me this year.

Im happy with E. He makes me laugh at stupid stuff, so hard that I think I will never be able to catch my breath. He treats me like a princess, of which I don’t feel that I deserve. My goal for 2016 is to start to heal the self esteem that makes me feel like less than what I am. I can do it. I promise E, if you’ll help me get through this, we will have a happily ever after. I’d like to do this with you by my side…

I received messages all day yesterday supporting me, lifting me up, and this morning I woke up with a renewed sense of purpose. I know what I need to do to get my life back on track. It starts now. Somehow I will find peace & sanity. I know I can, too many people have faith that I can. Knowing people believe in me makes me not want to give up.

I think I’ll be disappointing my therapist on Monday by not having my Impact Statement ready but I need to process this months intense hell before I jump into therapy with CPT. CPT is hard. It desensitizes you to triggers, unsticks you from stuck points, moves you forward & gives you amazing coping skills. I have a military friend who is a testament to his treatment & it’s inspiring.

Im just thankful this year is about over, that the holidays are finished. Now on to finding an apartment to move us into ASAP… Fresh starts. Here’s to making 2016 a successful, happy year!! Prost!! 

Ghosts of Christmas Pasts

I dug through my “Memories” on Facebook just now. Christmas Eve & Christmas Day from the last 6 days. A lot has changed… Unrecognizable at times. I see pictures of my old home- the one my dad & aunt just foreclosed on when my grandma died- & I see old fur kids, my babies through the years, warmth, love, Christmas decorations that were passed down or parts of new traditions… All gone. Even my kids.

Today was hell. E & I split up. I got denied again for disability. (Let me explain… I’m permanently on narcotic pain meds & benzos, I have a service dog, I’m physically limited to a few unpredictable hours a day- a job is NOT possible right now). I have been stressed to the max about finances & THIS…. It’s been 3 years since I was able to work & even then it was for a whole month before I couldn’t cut it any longer. I really haven’t worked in over 5 years now. Whatever though. I’ve been depressed. I’ve been hormonal & hyper-emotional. Every nerve is exposed & raw. No one wants to be around me.

I just need a fucking break. I need some slack. I need this fresh start but only if we can make it work financially. I can’t breathe in this apartment anymore. I can’t function. I don’t want to function. I want to go to sleep & just wake up in our new place with everything taken care of. I think that would be the beginning of digging me out of this pit.

My poor therapist will be having a hay day with me come Monday…

 

Tired of Talking to Two Faces

I see these memes on Facebook & Reddit about how people don’t deal with fake people or how they aren’t afraid to burn bridges, cut ties, blah blah all because they’re better than that. I’m calling bullshit. I’m calling bullshit on 99% of the people who claim to believe that.

If I catch someone lying to me, doing something to hurt a friend or family member, or being shady I WILL call them out on it. I don’t get this complacency to those who treat you like you’re less than them. Maybe coming out of this marriage & narcissistic haze has reignited my bullshit meter?

Be yourself. Start there. Know who you are, what your boundaries are, who steps outside of those boundaries & question if you can live with it. If you can, great, expand your boundaries & admit that you’re not the person you claimed to be. If you can’t, kick their worthless asses to the curb & move ON.

I’m done being stepped on, lied to, gossiped about, or talked down to by hateful, ignorant bitches. Male, female…I don’t care. I will delete you from my life. I live too out loud & proud to live with people less than me watching my back non-stop. You might consider trying it. It’s liberating. It’s freeing. And best of all, you never have to question where you stand ever again. 

Minor Meltdowns

Poor E. Really.

I am having a pretty tough month. Started with my visitation with my kids being ganked by the X. Mixed with being uninvited to Christmas because 2 of my siblings can’t grow up, finances, planning a move with highly restricted finances, hormones, & the overall feeling of shit… I’ve been pretty miserable & less than fun to live with.

Sometimes I think I can live with this disorder. Other times I think there’s no light at the end of the tunnel except the oncoming train. The depression right now is what’s hurting me long term. I need to be cleaning & packing. Instead I’m curled up streaming movies & waiting to go to bed. This has become a 24/7 reality for the last few weeks. The depression impacts my back issues as well. I’m medicated but even the strongest anti-depressants aren’t going to cut it. Not by a long shot folks.

Then there’s the spotty anxiety that plants me straight into the solid ground. I’m medicated for that too but there’s little stronger than that hell. People don’t understand how much of a punch the combination of the 2 packs. I detest the holidays anyway. No grandmas, no kids this year, it’s too hot to live for some reason (climate change denier anyone?), & the X’s world famous bullshit now.

I don’t know where to begin in order to manage. This isn’t really new territory but without the kids to keep me busy…I’m fucked. Frank can’t keep up. E can’t keep up. I can’t even keep up. I just want to sleep till January 15. The date has no significance (thus nothing to get stuck on), we’ll be in a new place by then, holidays will be OVER & I’ll have a little more time to devote to my therapy homework & getting my disability crap finished. Again. (NOTE: by February of this coming year, it’ll have been 3 years since I worked & 2 years since I began applying for disability. Our system is broken)

Im just exhausted. I’m hurt. I’m feeling done.

Why Bother? Because…

Life is hard. Navigating around all the speed bumps & garbage in the path is really hard. Having never seen some of these things before makes things hard. Like if you’re born blind & suddenly can see, how do you know a tree is a tree?

My kids should be here. It’s the holidays. I let hatred for their dad take over & ruin my mood for the last few weeks. He’s been intolerable, insane, & very impossible to deal with. I let that infect me & fester like a nasty boil. It’s gross. At this point I have to let go. The kids are being made to feel like they HAVE to act a certain way or speak a certain way to please him, & if I had Disney Dad right now, I’d do the same thing so I get it. I can’t fight this from 2000 miles away. The kids are at an age where I’m confident that they have memories of better days, where they know how I feel based on what I’ve told them & what they’ve seen for their whole lives. They’re my world, no matter what. I’ll be here when they seek a relationship, whether that’s 2 hours, 2 months, or 20 years. Forever & ever my babies they’ll be…

All this intensity has really spurned my PTSD symptoms. E woke me up the other night as I was trying to literally crawl up the wall. Last night at the hockey game Frank (my service dog) drug me out of the arena to a quiet spot in the lobby while I had a massive panic attack. Massive. Some friends showed up at the end with their autistic son which had an oddly calming effect on me. I find peace in kids & people with special needs & some mental illnesses. A commradarie? Regardless it helped.

Then tonight I got a message from my aunt on FB. It was literally just a “.” but the fact was, I know she was snooping on my page which made me uncomfortable since I’d had her & her child blocked. Somehow they got unblocked. They’re the reason Biscuit isn’t here. They thought I was going to get back to Tulsa & take her back. I just wanted to see her. I just wanted her to be happy. Fortunately, she’s happy where she’s at & now they’re the ones with the karmic blowback of knowing they’ve lost that relationship with not only me, but her, permanently. The things Biscuit told me about her time living with them was pretty horrific, which makes me feel horribly guilty, but I’m glad she’s out of that situation. I’ve reblocked that family & am moving on. Again.

Christmas is shaping up. That’s stress taken off my plate now thankfully. We are spending Christmas Eve with his aunt & family whom I LOVE, and Christmas Day with two of my best friends & kids’ Godparents. The next day we are supposed to host Christmas with my family but we are moving around New Years & the apartment is in shambles with us trying to both live here AND pack…

Everything feels so uncertain & weird. It’s uncomfortable 99% of the time & is causing my stress headaches (so says my doc). There’s no magical pill to take stress away. Fortunately there are magical pills to help my symptoms of anxiety & depression, & I have amazing psychiatric support. I also have incredibly supportive friends & a few family. I really couldn’t ask for a better support system, especially now that I’m stepping back and really counting my blessings. I can no longer sit around & make myself sick over what’s going on with my family. I won’t do it.

So here’s my plan, & please hold me accountable if I slip: I’m going to continue to try to healthily communicate with my children. I’m going to encourage the X to co-parent in a positive manner because right now this isn’t working. I’m going to step back & breathe. Take care of myself. Be positive, STAY positive, tap back into my faith & give it to God. I’m going to look forward to this next step with E as we move into a new place. I’m going to take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. This HAS to happen because I need to get better, I need to address my traumas & manage them with my therapist. I need to tap into the potential that is ME!!!

On Being Their Mommy

My happiest memories:

Baby Bird-

Your first breath. Our first apartment. Our first cross country adventure. Late night feedings, early morning smiles. Your first word was “momma”. Kissing your widows peak. Watching you play with your great grandmas. Swinging at the park. Discussing what adventure we’d have when we lived in our car because to you, it was FUN!! Hearing you sing “I Wanna Talk About Me” at the top of your lungs by age 2. Verbatim & ad nauseum. Your smell after bath time. Holding you while you slept. Using your memory as my “happy place” when I was in labor with your sister. Seeing you love your baby sister from day 1. Taking you to see Treasure Planet with Uncle Bobbie. Swimming at the pool. Watching you jump in for the first time. Baseball. Being your home room mom. Football. Days at the lake. Camping. Being team mom. Christmases times 15. Watching you grow up with Boss. Watching you grow up with Jack. Seeing your tender heart send our foster pups on to better lives. Having you with me at MOMS events, the Out of the Darkness Walk, all thru the rescue business, and at Pride events. Knowing that all of those events would make you a good man one day. Seeing you & your sister play throughout her life. Seeing you play with your baby cousins. Video games. Oh my God the video games… Going to see The Book Thief on New Years Eve. Mockingjay. Skip days from school when we’d do fun stuff just for you. Your birthdays.

Biscuit-

Your first breath & the surprise of hearing “it’s a GIRL!!”. Naming you myself. Your smell. Your tiny cries that ended so quickly when Bubba started singing to you. Watching your great grandmas fall in love with you. Getting your ears pierced. All the PINK!! Your fat little cheeks. Your first word being “bubba”. Teaching you to walk. Playing with your hair. Painting our nails. Birthdays with baby dolls & Pokemon. You being a Tom boy in pink. Watching you kick butt at the fishing derby EVERY YEAR. Cheer. Being team mom. Being home room mom. Watching you & all your many “boyfriends”. Girl time. Taking you to see Brother Bear. Surprising you with Twilight. You naming the first foster after Edward from Twilight. Seeing you become a woman. Being there for heartbreaks & relating with you. Skip days with pedicures & sushi. Watching you give the most unselfish gifts to people who needed it just because you wanted to. The biggest sleepover in Sand Springs history at our house for your birthday. Dancing in the car. Laughing at stupid things till we cried. Sleepovers in my bed. Watching scary movies. Your smile. Always your smile. Big hugs. Your loving participation in activism. Your huge heart & love for animals.

My God do I miss my kids. I miss everything about them, even the obnoxious teenage stuffs. We had a chance at a beautiful life. I can now show them what a real man looks like & how he’s supposed to treat a woman. I can show them a saner mom. A happy me. A happy life. Not Disneyland like their dad, but true happiness. I wish they’d just open their eyes to it.