My happiest memories:
Baby Bird-
Your first breath. Our first apartment. Our first cross country adventure. Late night feedings, early morning smiles. Your first word was “momma”. Kissing your widows peak. Watching you play with your great grandmas. Swinging at the park. Discussing what adventure we’d have when we lived in our car because to you, it was FUN!! Hearing you sing “I Wanna Talk About Me” at the top of your lungs by age 2. Verbatim & ad nauseum. Your smell after bath time. Holding you while you slept. Using your memory as my “happy place” when I was in labor with your sister. Seeing you love your baby sister from day 1. Taking you to see Treasure Planet with Uncle Bobbie. Swimming at the pool. Watching you jump in for the first time. Baseball. Being your home room mom. Football. Days at the lake. Camping. Being team mom. Christmases times 15. Watching you grow up with Boss. Watching you grow up with Jack. Seeing your tender heart send our foster pups on to better lives. Having you with me at MOMS events, the Out of the Darkness Walk, all thru the rescue business, and at Pride events. Knowing that all of those events would make you a good man one day. Seeing you & your sister play throughout her life. Seeing you play with your baby cousins. Video games. Oh my God the video games… Going to see The Book Thief on New Years Eve. Mockingjay. Skip days from school when we’d do fun stuff just for you. Your birthdays.
Biscuit-
Your first breath & the surprise of hearing “it’s a GIRL!!”. Naming you myself. Your smell. Your tiny cries that ended so quickly when Bubba started singing to you. Watching your great grandmas fall in love with you. Getting your ears pierced. All the PINK!! Your fat little cheeks. Your first word being “bubba”. Teaching you to walk. Playing with your hair. Painting our nails. Birthdays with baby dolls & Pokemon. You being a Tom boy in pink. Watching you kick butt at the fishing derby EVERY YEAR. Cheer. Being team mom. Being home room mom. Watching you & all your many “boyfriends”. Girl time. Taking you to see Brother Bear. Surprising you with Twilight. You naming the first foster after Edward from Twilight. Seeing you become a woman. Being there for heartbreaks & relating with you. Skip days with pedicures & sushi. Watching you give the most unselfish gifts to people who needed it just because you wanted to. The biggest sleepover in Sand Springs history at our house for your birthday. Dancing in the car. Laughing at stupid things till we cried. Sleepovers in my bed. Watching scary movies. Your smile. Always your smile. Big hugs. Your loving participation in activism. Your huge heart & love for animals.
My God do I miss my kids. I miss everything about them, even the obnoxious teenage stuffs. We had a chance at a beautiful life. I can now show them what a real man looks like & how he’s supposed to treat a woman. I can show them a saner mom. A happy me. A happy life. Not Disneyland like their dad, but true happiness. I wish they’d just open their eyes to it.
Not Just A Diagnosis 